* -- stars shot above our heads

[topher lane]

TOPHERTHOMASLANE



i, i will be king,
and you, you will be queen,
though nothing will drive them away,
we can beat them just for one day,
we can be heroes just for one day.

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• FULL NAME, christopher thomas lane.
• NICKNAMES, though during his high school and early college years he went simply by the utterly unoriginal “chris,” upon meeting cora (the fair maiden who bestowed upon him the following nickname) he exclusively goes by “topher.” only his old friends from high school (who are ignorant of this sudden change in nickname) and his mother (who, being brutally old-fashioned, refuses to call him anything but “christopher”) are exceptions to the rule. a lesser-used nickname, “evil toph,” was given to him by a disgruntled scrabble opponent; topher may be somewhat timid elsewhere, but in the realm of scrabble, he is a pitiless dictator. and, to poke fun at his vegetarian sensibilities, cora added the nicknames “tophu” and “topherukey” to his list of nicknames only she can get away with. a nickname no one can get away with was andy gave him; gopher. not. cool.
• DATE OF BIRTH, october 13^th, 1983.
• GENDER, he’s a man, baby. a man
• ETHNICITY, half persian-jewish, a quarter “real” (or so his grandpa likes to boast) jewish, and a quarter italian.
• RELIGION, jewish, technically, but he’s mostly just in it for the hanukkah presents. scandalous!
• SEXUALITY, probably bisexual, but only for this bastard here.
• OCCUPATION, he’s a journalism grad student at mcgill, but to pay the bills he works at a comic book shop, and usually gets the gig where he has to go out on the street corner in costume and hold up the “SALE!” sign. how tragic
• MEMBER GROUP, resident.

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• HEIGHT & WEIGHT, six foot two and a buck seventy five.
• PIERCINGS & TATTOOS, none of either, but he managed to convince his inebriated father on topher’s twenty-first birthday that getting a tattoo of captain america’s shield on the old man’s forearm was a good idea, if that counts.
• FASHION SENSE, topher has a taste for outfits that might look ridiculous on any other man. in fact, they have a tendency to look ridiculous on him. luckily for him, though, his younger sister lois – in addition to being a dorky math major – is an avid viewer of what not to wear and gets immense satisfaction from choosing his outfits for him. she chooses the classy stuff – button-downs, aviator sunglasses, the kind of trenchcoat that doesn’t make him look like a flasher – and he sometimes manages to squeeze in pieces like his favorite plaid shirt, sneakers the fresh prince of bel air would be proud of, and colorful cardigans. thanks to the mix of what he wants and what he needs, he actually looks pretty well put together.
• DISTINGUISHING FEATURES, you mean other than the fact that his eyebrows could easily compete with the likes of groucho marx, brooke shields, bert from seasame street, and every single persian in encino and westwood? well, there’s the hairiness on his chest, arms, legs, and the particularly greasy mop on his head, but face it – the eyebrows trump all.
• PLAYED BY, the quints!

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• LIKES,

• comic books – and he better, given that he kind of works at a shop that sells them. can anybody even fathom a non-fanboy comic book store worker?
  
• collecting odd pieces of furniture, like the pool-ball coat rack he has tucked in the corner of the foyer in his and max’s apartment.
  
• cora’s impromptu taxi cab confessions mini-marathons at two in the morning.
  
• placing snarls barkley’s small puggy body on canine-phobic max’s chest when he’s too sleepy to fight it.
  
• reading. he’s kind of impatient and a master multi-tasker, perusing multiple manuscripts at a time; he’s currently halfway through good news from outer space and on the third page of the advance copy of pride and prejudice and zombies he’s reviewing on behalf of la mag. unfortunately, though, he’s not getting paid for that yet, either.
  
• scrabble!
  
• steven spielberg’s masterpiece! according to topher, surprisingly, it isn’t raiders of the lost ark (close, though!) or et or even schindler’s list – it’s munich. why, you ask? well, in most movies, the jews are getting their asses handed to them. eric bana in munich? not so much. he’s the one kickin’ ass and taking names, and goddamn, it’s awesome.
  
• sunflower seeds.
  
• the boxers cora got him on the first christmas after they met… they have little ufos printed all over them and the words “THE TRUTH IS IN HERE” sewed to the butt. he (as well as pretty much all of los angeles’s residents) were surprised that they haven’t decomposed since then; topher wears ’em every chance he gets.
  
• the x-files.
  
• when friends pay attention to and remember little things... it just gives the warm fuzzies and reaffirms that they care and want to make him happy. kind of like beer.

• DISLIKES,

• artsy-fartsy-ness. see, back in the day, when he was a bright-eyed freshie at new york university, ge came in thinking, “i’m totally going for graphic design.” but, lo and behold, that first class – art critique – was completely ridiculous. you’d probably think so too if the girl who sat next you exclaimed, “i find that highly offensive!” when looking at a still-life. of a teapot.
  
• bees!
  
• being on the outside of an inside joke.
  
• brown m&ms – he just doesn’t really see the point of making a candy-covered chocolate the color that it already is.
  
• figure skating.
  
• meat is a biggie, which is appropriate, because he’s a die-hard vegetarian (makes sticking to kosher a lot easier, too). especially raw meat… sushi’s disgusting.
  
• people who feel the need to fill up silences when it isn’t an awkward silence. a comfortable silence never hurt anybody. except, you know, maybe that one time.
  
• sebastian’s girlfriend.
  
• tequila.
  
• whenever max thinks using instant messenger abbreviations in conversation is funny. or appropriate.

• TURN-ONS,

• a freshly showered smell.
  
• black underwear.
  
• feats of nerdiness.
  
• smart chicks.
  
• the feel of hair (on one’s head, you perv!) against his cheek.

• FEARS,

• accidentally ingesting that toxin that’s in puffer fish that he’s pretty sure is in every piece of sushi (even the vegetarian-friendly avocado rolls, which are pretty much the only thing he eats there) at sushi samba, even though cora insists it’s highly implausible.
  
• babies and old people (with the exception of his grandpa joe for latter – who is a huge fucking exception, seeing as he’s like the coolest guy ever). he never knows how he’s supposed to act around either of them.
  
• ever since he fell asleep to an apocalyptic special on the discovery channel discussing the following event, he’s been quite afraid that the earth’s atmosphere will suddenly leave and suck everyone into space. he once recounted this fear to cora’s uproarious laughter. naturally, he hasn’t spoken of it since.

• SECRETS,

• according to max, this is about a big of a skeleton in the closet as the pope being catholic, but topher sure likes to think it’s a secret; he’s madly in love with his best friend, cora west.

• HABITS/QUIRKS,

• he cannot, for the life of him, fall asleep in his bed – or any other, for that matter. topher instead falls asleep on the couch in his apartment, usually to the soothing sound of the television on full blast.
  
• he drinks a lot of coffee (his usual fix being a grande soy latte), going to starbucks daily for at least one of those fixes. though, he’ll occasionally skip starbucks if lily york isn’t working that day, seeing as she’s the only barista that gets his order absolutely perfect.
  
• how topher could’ve lived in new york and los angeles is absolutely perplexing. he has absolutely no sense of direction; even in the contained environment of a building, he has the tendency to go down all the wrong corridors. he has pretty much no cartographic skills, and often has to condescend to ask cora to accompany him on his rare shopping trips (well, he also needs her because he usually falls asleep getting there, too – he’s pretty helpless when it comes to shopping). but as annoying as this problem is in the city, it becomes exponentially worse in rural areas. wanna hide from topher? just go to the countryside. believe me, you will never see him again.
  
• says, “nailed it!” in a high falsetto, after finishing a piece or what have you, especially if it sucked.
  
• whenever he’s in a car, or subway (even when he’s standing up), or airplane, or any mode of transportation that doesn’t require activity, he instantly falls asleep. which is why he always needs a traveling companion to wake him so as to not miss a stop.

• PERSONALITY,

Topher’s a pretty quiet guy, only speaking when he finds it necessary to do so. It’s not because he’s particularly socially awkward or anxious around other people, he just doesn’t find the need to fill silence unless he has something to say. His lack of a lot of speaking has given him loads of time to observe the ironies in life, and, given the proper opportunity, has a sweet sense of humor. But the proper opportunities have a tendency to never arise – so the jokes tend to get inserted into rather inappropriate situations. And there’s a certain type of person necessary to appreciate his sardonic, dry sense of humor, especially in those kinds of situations.

Despite his aloofness and cynical sense of humor, he displays an unbridled enthusiasm and interest when it comes to his line of work and for all things geekery. This is especially true when the two join hand-in-hand, like the time he managed to snag a forty-second interview with Harrison Ford for the NYU’s student-run newspaper in his junior year. He shook the guy’s hand and didn’t wash it for several weeks, until he contracted a severe fever from that part of his immune system being decommissioned. While in his fevery haze, the nurses submerged him in an icy bath, washing every orifice and appendage – unfortunately, including the one Harrison Ford touched. Topher hasn’t trusted hospital staff since. Not that he really approves the medical field, anyway – well, he disagrees at least on the use of drugs when treating psychological disorders.

Though he prides himself on being attached from most people, Topher tends to involve himself too emotionally with those few he does consider as friends. This is sometimes considered to be a good thing, seeing as it’s basically a synonym for saying, “he’s incredibly loyal.” He is. But when he aligns himself with someone, he tends to invest himself completely; protecting them, challenging those who oppose even if it’s really none of his business.

In spite of his quiet nature, he’s extremely quick to lose his temper and his senses in anger or grief. Surprisingly, he often resorts to violence, but usually not against people; he knocks over everything else in the room first. He also has a pretty low sense of self-esteem, with practically no confidence in his abilities. When in a particularly pitying mood, Topher often claims his writing sucks not simply to gain reassurance from his peers but because he genuinely believes it’s true.

He follows a rather specific pattern of behavior when he gets nervous; he usually needs to focus on something with this hands (you can use your sick, sick imagination to surmise what one of those of those things might be). He tends to munch on sunflower seeds in this condition, too. It’s a pretty busy food to eat, and very messy. They’re usually strewn over his areas of work, though since he has a slight aversion to vermin, the remains of sunflower seeds are usually the only junk in his apartment he discards, to keep the pests away.

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• HOMETOWN, westwood, california.
• PARENTS,

thomas daniel lane [born siamak larian], 65, american government teacher • father
(reza najie)


gianna “judge gia” ethel lane [née kavalier], 61, los angeles county judge • mother
(cristine rose)

• SIBLINGS,

maxwell cornelius lane, 24, assistant manager at the copy kingdom • little brother
(zachary levi)


lois lane (really!), 21, mathematics major at mcgill • little sister
(jordana brewster [in glasses])


sebastian clark lane, 20, pre-med major at mcgill • little-er brother
(ed westwick)

• OTHER SIGNIFICANT PEOPLE,

josef “grandpa joe” martin kavalier, 82, retired comic book artist • maternal grandfather
(leonard nimoy)


kenneth adams, 46, journalism professor at mcgill • mentor
(david duchovny)


gia _______ moretti, 27, private investigator • cousin
(sarah lancaster)


zuri adama freeman, 25, forensic anthropologist in training • ex-girlfriend
(zoë saldaña)


burt reynolds, 3, spooning with snarls barkley • kitty
(the orange cat topher’s holding!)


snarls barkley, 2, spooning with burt reynolds • pug
(the pug topher’s wallowing with!)

• HISTORY,

Like any good article, Topher’s very own story starts with a who, what, where, when, and why. But, curiously lacking is his own presence. Instead, we have Siamak Larian – the aforementioned who in the equation – watching a film at a theater in Tehran, Iran in the year 1978. The why could’ve been a number of things; that his mother was insistent on Siamak going out and meeting women so he could squeeze out a few grandbabies before the old lady bit the dust, that all of his American friends from the embassy at which he worked were going to see it… but, weirdly enough, the real reason for the why came after. Why? Superman was the best fucking movie he’d ever seen – an experience he’d keep in mind for a long, long time.

Aside from the fact that the tagline – “you’ll believe a man can fly” – was entirely true of the film, the other reason it struck him so deeply was that Metropolis was pleasant escape from the current toils plaguing the nation he loved. As the conservatives took hold of the country, he had many reasons to be afraid. For one thing, he worked at the American embassy, a country with whom Iran was giddily burning bridges, and he was a Jew. In spite the near daily threats against his life, he wasn’t going to be driven away from his home without a fight. But his gesture looked less brave and more suicidal when the leader of the Persian Jews was assassinated. His mother purchased him a passport with the last of her savings and he bought a ticket to Los Angeles with the last of his. She placed a folded piece of paper in his hand with the address of some distant relatives living in Westwood and kissed his forehead. “The Iran of today is not for you. I forbid you to come back!” she smiled through her tears.

It was the last time he’d ever seen or heard from his mother.

When his plane touched down at LAX, he had his freedom, but not much else. For the next few months, he slept on his cousin Anoosh’s couch while devoting himself full-time to becoming an American citizen. It was relatively easy for him, given that it was his job at the embassy to completely understand all of these ridiculous facts. Nonetheless, it was a proud moment to be a citizen and not worry about being deported if he called his boss at the Sack n’Pack an ignorant asshole again. He didn’t want to forget who he was or where he came from, but he did want to make it even easier for him to make his way in the world. So Siamak purchased a baby name book an perused, settling on Thomas and Daniel for the first and middle. And for the last? He remembered Margot Kidder’s glorious smile in the movie he fell in love with all those years ago… Lane.

“Siamak Larian,” the girl at desk at the whatever department was in charge of legal name changes stared at his birth certificate, “my condolences.”

She then proceeded to insult his choice of tie for the day, his hair, and his new name change. Her constant grumpiness probably had something to do with the girl being a half-Jewish and half-Italian, two ethnic groups raging at each other deep within her genes. Her name was Gia Kavalier, and the real reason she was throwing her best insults was because she was madly in love with the man who shall henceforth be known as Thomas Lane. Hey, just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to like them.

It remained true through their courtship, marriage, and the birth of their first child. On the day of Topher’s birth, Gia and Thomas had gotten into one of their epic, hormonal arguments (these usually take place on Tuesday). Gia, so enraged by the petty argument, didn’t think it necessary to fill Thomas in on the fact that her water broke. So she spitefully dawdled until the very last minute, resulting in Topher’s birth place being the carpool lane of the 101. Topher’s birth was the subject of the musing of many a human-interest-story-depraved local news station for about, oh, two days before he and his family faded into obscurity.

Without a beat, Thomas and Gia proceeded to add another squealing hurricane to the family, his parents naming him Maxwell… while Topher thought “Max” sounded less lame and prone to schoolyard bullying. Not that Topher was an expert with lots of experience on the subject of how avoid those situations. Though he had some pretty fun ideas on how to play “pretend,” he usually only got to share them with his little brother and the other social lepers of elementary school.

Then there was Lois. Poor, poor Lois. Regardless of the fact that she came with a name even Topher couldn’t amend with catchy nickname, she was a girl, and Gia was satisfied. Wanting no more chances to add another tragically nerdy Lane kid to the family, she convinced Thomas to obtain a vasectomy. Thomas being Thomas, he chose to ignore a little nugget of information about the procedure ont being completely in effect until the next month. Nine months later, enter Sebastian, the vasectomy baby.

Once Sebastian could walk and be attached to a child leash, Thomas immediately decided to take the family on summer vacations. Since he was a little too excited about his adoptive country (as if naming himself after the girlfriend of America’s greatest superhero and becoming a high school government teacher wasn’t enough), instead of going to Disneyland every summer like every normal family, they went to all the most thoroughly American landmarks imaginable. They went to Revolutionary War reenactments at Williamsburg or go on tours of every museum in DC. On one of those trips, at ten years of age, he met his first love; New York City. The trip was principally to witness the glorious majesty of the Statue of Liberty, but although that was pretty cool, he was enchanted by everything else. The buildings so tall only king kong could’ve scaled them, the food, the people… he made a vow to every divine power from Jehovah to Cthulu that he’d someday return.

Topher made good on that promise when he got into New York University. He was the textbook example of the kid who went into orientation knowing exactly what he wanted, what classes he’d take… and then learning later he didn’t know what the fuck he was thinking. Fortunately, his heartbreak was distracted by that of his roommate’s girlfriend, Zuri Freeman. Because Roberto was a business major and thus a complete cock-sucker, he dumped Zuri after only a month. Topher, who’d never had a girlfriend up until this point, gleefully swooped in. And it was great. They took it slow… it wasn’t until about five months later that Zuri announced rather bluntly that she wanted to make love to him. And that was going great… until…

“Topher, say something racist.”

“Wait, what?”

Zuri, who was an African American sex goddess, apparently got turned on by racist remarks. Topher, who was completely and understandably shocked, managed to stammer:

“Um, you couldn’t get a loan unless I co-signed?”

They broke up the next morning.

With nothing to distract him from the slight existential crisis regarding his major, he wallowed. He was wallowing so much that he didn’t even listen to his parents’ and max’s suggestions to return to la for the summer, which might have been a good idea, but if he hadn’t done that, he would’ve never taken Kenneth Adams’s “Techniques of Feature Writing” class. Don’t be deterred by the unimaginative title; Professor Adams is an awesome teacher. So awesome, in fact, that Topher actually took advantage of his office hours and just talked. It wasn’t that hard for Adams to convince him that journalism was the right way to go. Topher got on the staff of the school newspaper the next semester and lived happily ever after.

He graduated with honors two years ago and, though Adams had offered to give his personal recommendation to a few publications, Topher decided that that wasn’t going to be the end of it, as far as education went. He instead obtained a position as assistant to Professor Adams. Wallowing in this massive feat of success, he and Max (mostly Max, probably) decided it was worthy of a rare night to get completely wasted (in spite of the fact that it was Wednesday). It probably gave one particular girl – Cora West – an inaccurate impression of his personality. But, then again, she was as hammered as he was and didn’t remember too terribly much of their first meeting. Other than, of course, his excessively lame compliment about how the moles on her arm looked like a constellation of stars (seriously – it’s Orion!).

It wasn’t to be their only fated meeting. As it transpired, Cora was taking one of Professor Adams’s classes. Harboring only the single biggest crush on the petite blonde, Topher went a little out of his way to talk to her. Though they used their friendship in favor of Cora’s grade, it was definitely a little more than a means to an end. They both had a shameless addiction to zombie lore and odd sleeping patterns (which, although eHarmony doesn’t match its members based on these two qualities, they probably should – it’s very important in any relationship). Over time, Topher’d been kind of hopeful that he’d be satisfied with seeing her as a BFF, but he’d rather drop one of those F’s for BF.

A year ago, though, the French-Canadians really wanted to take Professor Adams away from New York City. To Montreal, of all places. If Topher were to follow him there, he’d get an excellent education, free tuition for the rest of his degree, and lots and lots of lessons in Frenching. Completely irresistable, right? Not so much. He was leaving behind his best friends, his brother… well, Max agreed to come with him since the “find yourself in New York” plan didn’t go so well, and Sebastian was attending McGill already…

Luckily, the separation was not much to worry about. After all of two weeks of him being in Montreal, Cora arrived for a job on some sort of zombie movie. Divine intervention? In the words of the band Cake, “perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.”

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• NAME/ALIAS, lauren.
• OTHER CHARACTERS, sonja, joel, julian, & cleo.
• ROLEPLAY SAMPLE,

Topher turned to Cora. “You thinkin’ what I’m thinking?”
“SNACK ATTACK MOTHERFUCKER!” Cora replied, punching the air with glee.

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